Tend and Befriend: How to Nurture Adult Friendships
A good-quality friendship which provides companionship, validation, and emotional support is linked to feelings of happiness and a sense of belonging.
“We are friends for life. When we’re together the years fall away. Isn’t that what matters? To have someone who can remember with you? To have someone who remembers how far you’ve come?”
JUDY BLUME
Why do female friendships matter?
While we might only know February 14 as Valentine's Day, there’s much to celebrate. In a world where societal pressures often prioritize romantic relationships, we encourage you to use this time to celebrate the platonic connections that make us feel heard and understood.
Galentine's Day, coined by TV character Leslie Knopp on Parks & Recreation, is all about celebrating the incredible bonds of female friendship. It’s a day to honour the women who lift us, support us through thick and thin, and fill our lives with laughter and love.
Do you ever talk to your girlfriends after a stressful day at work and feel a little better? As women, we approach friendships and conflict differently than men. Women tend to use a tend-and-befriend method instead of the better-known fight-or-flight. There is a natural inclination towards creating and maintaining friendships -and for good reason because it’s so good for you!
Research suggests that spending time with friends, particularly close female friends, can help reduce stress levels. The camaraderie and support offered in female friendships can serve as a buffer against life's challenges and promote resilience. Women can be such a source of strength, yet they are the first people we put on the back burner when work or home gets busy.
Cultural Friendship Celebrations on February 14th
February 14th is recognized in Mexico as El Dia del Amor y la Amistad which translates to “The Day of Love and Friendship” a day to show appreciation and love for important relationships including friendships. Platonic love is also celebrated on this day in Finland as Ystävän Päivä and in Estonia as Sõbrapäev where couples, family and friends gather to share meals and sporting activities such as sledding or skating.
Different Types of Friendship
Not all friendships are ride-or-die, and that’s how it should be. We might have high expectations of friendships and find that certain friendships do not meet all our needs and this is important to keep in mind when considering that different people meet different needs in our lives and vice versa. Consider the value of these different types of friendships in your life:
WORK FRIENDS: Friends whom you share your workdays with who understand the environment, and pressures you face and are great to celebrate and commiserate with.
OLD FRIENDS: Friends you have known for a long time, who know your history of wins and struggles.
FAMILY FRIENDS: Someone you are related to like a parent, sibling, or cousin who provides you with emotional support and social connection.
SOCIAL FRIENDS: A friend you enjoy being social with who may or not be a confidante.
COMFORTABLE FRIENDS: A friend you can relax with doing not much of anything or something casual.
DEPENDABLE FRIENDS: A friend who is loyal and that you can trust with your true feelings.
HONEST FRIENDS: A friend who is bluntly honest even when we may not want to hear it.
FRIENDS WHO SHARE COMMON INTERESTS: A friend who likes to go to the gym, do art, and knit with you.
COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS: A friend who sympathizes or empathizes with you when you need validation and acceptance.
OPPOSITE FRIENDS: A friend who has different points of view who can challenge your way of thinking and help you expand your perspective.
Don’t Discount Age - Intergenerational friendships
Intergenerational friendships, which involve individuals from different age groups forming meaningful bonds, offer numerous benefits for younger and older individuals.
Enhanced well-being: Research has shown that intergenerational friendships are associated with improved mental and emotional well-being for both younger and older individuals.
Learn from each other: Both generations lean on each other for help and advice, these friendships provide emotional support, companionship, and a sense of purpose, reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation across the lifespan.
Legacy and diversity: Intergenerational friendships help preserve and pass down cultural traditions, stories, and values from one generation to the next. By fostering connections across generations it promotes understanding and reduces ageism on both sides.
Ways to Make New Friends or Rekindle Old Friendships
Forging new friendships as an adult may seem daunting due to the challenges of balancing obligations of work, school, children and family.
In addition, it may seem like people you want to befriend already have established friendships and you wonder if these potential friends will have space and time to invest in a new friendship.
Friendships can take time to build, so try pursuing a new friendship without expectations and see where it goes. Reach out to people you are interested in building friendship with suggestions to do something casual like going for a walk or grabbing a coffee together. Find common interests and suggest a gathering incorporating these commonalities or try something new for both of you.
“My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges.”
Be okay with “no” and don’t take it personally.
Not every effort will result in a long or lasting friendship.
There may be people you used to be very close to that you would like to reconnect with. Reach out and see if they would like to catch up. Reaching out to old friends to let them know the value they brought to your life in the past can be rewarding in gifting someone with the knowledge they made a difference in your life even if this does not lead to rekindling a friendship.
Practice self-compassion in recognizing your efforts, and fears and take a chance on reaching out within your level of comfort. Be yourself and take it one step at a time. Try to enjoy the moment of connection and reflect on what you enjoyed or did not enjoy about these new or re-visited connections and let this inform how you will move forward. Think about what kind of friendship this might be and what it brings to your life considering the different types of friendships that you are seeking to meet your needs.
Ways to Celebrate Your Friendships
You don’t have to wait for February 14th to celebrate your friendships, you can do this all year round!
Consider the following ways of connecting:
A phone call, text message or email
Coffee or tea date (in-person or virtually)
Walk-and-talk date (on a lunch break, before or after work)
Movie or games night
Pottery or art date
Gift a card with words of appreciation
Flowers or treats
Challenges in Friendships
Since friendships are so important to our well-being, when faced with challenges navigating existing friendships in creating new friendships are topics worth exploring with your therapist. A therapist can help reflect on what you want and need in friendship, implement boundaries, support with communication and build self-esteem while navigating these changes.
SOURCES:
Harvard Biobehavioral Responses to Stress in Females: Tend-and-Befriend, Not Fight-or-Flight
Modern Mexican Amor & Amistad: How Valentine's Day is Celebrated in Mexico and Ideas to Celebrate it This Year
Springer Link Looking to happy tomorrows with friends: Best and close friendships as they predict happiness
Stanford Older people offer resources that children need, Stanford report says
Time Why Valentine’s Day in These European Countries Is All About Friendship
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